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Latest News from within Loretto Park


Share price soars at interest of "mysterious eastern gentleman."

For Chelsea now read Glenwood as rumours of a bid to buy out the club caused a wave of buying before shares in the AUL Division 1 Saturday team were suspended yesterday afternoon.

While the current team continued their encouraging start to the season, it
was off-pitch activities that dominated the terrace talk with whispers that a
"mysterious eastern gentleman" was interested in taking over and rejuvenating
the sleeping giant of Dublin amateur football.

With no other information as to the identity of the bidder, the stadium was
scoured for orientals and persons of a dusky countenance, although Kieran
McSherry was quickly ruled out. For Chang Sun-Yi, long time server at the
chippy across the road, it produced a volley of questions as to whether he
was the secret proposed benefactor in disguise. Although Chang was happy at
the increased business, he was quick to point out that his slender finances,
and indeed all his time, were taken up with the chip shop.

Manager Niall Ward, although happy with his team's performances thus far,
must be secretly licking his lips in anticipation of the funds to be made
available to him if the takeover bid comes to fruition. WIth many British and
Italian clubs in financial difficulty, there could be rich pickings for him.
Salas and Viduka up front? Edgar Davids to battle with Colm Ward for midfield dynamo? Perhaps a swansong for Paolo Maldini to fight his way past Richie Murray and into the starting eleven.

Glenwood club spokesmen had no comment to make yesterday evening. Shares remain suspended this morning pending clarification of the rumoured takeover.

Breakthrough sponsorship deal hailed by womens rights groups

Glenwood were at the centre of what is believed to be another world first
yesterday with their announcement of a sponsorship deal which will see them
wearing jerseys with "Lil-ets" across the front for the next three years.

The female sanitary products company is believed to be the first to make the
crossover to what is normally the preserve of sports, alcohol and electronics
corporations, and they believe that this is an untapped market for them.

"Our research shows that an increasing number of women are attracted by
amateur football, especially the Nivea for Men League", said marketing
director Lesley Flutestuffer. "They like its image of fit young men with
smooth moisturised complexions battling it out on a Saturday afternoon. We
are delighted to be at the vanguard of this new departure for our industry."

Glenwood finance supremo Mick McBride, who is believed to have been working
for the last six months on the deal, brushed away any doubts over the
sponsorship deal. "This is a good deal for Lil-ets, and a good deal for
Glenwood," he declared. When pressed as to whether the image of the club
might suffer, he was dismissive. "On the contrary, I believe that this will
widen our appeal, as a broad-minded club with well-adjusted fans who are not
prone to adolescent sniggering on the subject of female biology." And on
whether other teams may  make them the butt of ribaldry, he was succinct.
"This league used to be the Budweiser League. Now it is the Nivea for Men
League. If we can survive that we can survive anything."

Caointe Ni hAimhlinn, chair of the Women's Autonomous Network for Keeping
Equality Relevant, was delighted at the news. "This is another vctory for the
forces of feminism against the bastions of male domination and suppression,"
she quaverd in a harsh Lisburn accent." We salute Mick McBride and Mr.
Flutestuffer for their vision in this noble enterprise, though we would like
to state our disappointment at the lack of female involvement in club

Apart from McBride, no other member of the playing staff was prepared to
comment on the deal.

Odhran O'Brien




March 30th 1999 - Daily Star
Walkinstown 2 Glenwood Rovers 2


February 30th 1999 - Daily Star
Walkinstown 0 Glenwood Rovers 6